"Woodworker walks into a bar..."

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I heard a joke the other day that you’ve probably all heard a million times. It’s the one where the amnesiac walks into a bar.

Amnesiac jokes? I suppose that whoever you are, whatever your job, someone’s made up a joke about it. With that thought in mind, I got to wondering about woodworkers. Steve Spiro does a great job with his woodworking cartoons every month in the magazine, but I thought I’d Google the subject of woodworking jokes. Surprisingly, I got nearly 50 results. Each site had several jokes. There was a good bit of repetition, and several where too long to repeat (and one too off-color) but I thought I’d share a sampling.

From www.benchnotes.com comes this one. One night a wife sees her husband standing over the baby’s crib. She stood watching him silently as he looked down with mixed emotions – disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism. She slipped her arm around him, “Penny for your thoughts?” she whispered.

“It's amazing,” he answered. “How can they make a crib like that for $49.99?”

Here’s one from www.robinsonwoodcrafts.com. Bob had a lot of work ahead of him so decided to hire a part time helper. “Your first job will be to sweep up the sawdust,” he told the new hire, handing him a broom.

“Look I'm practically a university graduate,” the young man protested.

“No problem, I'll show you how,” Bob replied

This one’s from www.jigsawjim.com. An old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, and picks up a hammer. “Don't make these like they used to,” he tells the salesman. “I’ve had the same one for over fifty years. Just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice.”

From the British site www.loonies.org.uk comes this one. When I used to work in the lumberyard, whenever people would complain about the lumber prices, we’d say, “Well, what do you think, this stuff grows on trees?”

A short and sweet one from www.lumberjocks.com goes like this. A carpenter ant walks into a bar and asks, “Where’s the bar tender?”

Here’s a groaner from www.funtrivia.com. “Did you hear about the woodworker who died when he fell into a vat of varnish? It was a terrible end, but a beautiful finish.

My favorite comes from www.care2.com. Alex and Benny had been woodworking buddies for almost eighty years, and one day Alex speculated on the possibility of there being woodworking in heaven. Both agreed that whoever died first would come back and tell the other if there is. As it turned out, Benny died the next day. Exactly one month later, Alex woke up to the sound of his name being called.

“Alex! Wake Up! I have good news and I have bad news!" cried the ghost of Benny to his friend. “The good news is that woodworking is everywhere in Heaven! No matter where you go, there’s an open shop. They always have the latest tools, everything always cuts perfectly, joints practically join themselves! It’s paradise up there!”

“That IS good news,” Alex said. “But what’s the bad news?”

“You’re scheduled to give a demonstration on dovetails tomorrow at 2:30.”

Till next time,

A.J.

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