The crypt was closed early and Stephen King was on vacation, so I had to get my Halloween horror tales from the woodshop instead. Herewith, the pitch sessions, as made to Hollywood.

When it comes to scary movies, there’s really nothing new. That’s because they just keep remaking the same movies over and over. To make a fresh start I think Hollywood needs to target specific groups, tailoring films to a built-in audience – like us. Here are a few movies I wouldn’t mind shivering to this year:

“Miter Bar” – Don’t order the screwdriver. It’s not what you think.

“Miami Vise” – You’ll be scared straight when these zombie cops put the squeeze on you.

“Night of a Thousand Cuts” – SawStop is adopted by every tool manufacturer. Earlier in the day, however, Steve Gass’ divests his entire working capital into Band-Aids. Goes broke.

“Hammertime” – Washed-up ’90s rap artist tries new woodworking career with murderous results.

“Dust Star” – In space, no one can hear you clean.

“I Saw What You Did” – Norm Abram has Lasik surgery, no longer needs “these safety glasses.” Frustrated with trying to come up with a new catchphrase, never goes in the shop again.

“Silence of the Clamps” – You thought there were never enough, but you were wrong ... Dead wrong.

A.J.