So, two woodworkers walk into a bar …

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Tod Riggio

Tod Riggio

The furniture artist got a call from the gallery owner.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner said. “Somebody just stopped by and asked if the value of your furniture would increase after your death, I said it would, and he bought the entire collection!”

“That’s wonderful! And the bad news?”

“It was you doctor.”

Here’s another to tickle your funny bone.

The woodworker stormed out of shop owner’s office and threw his tool belt on his buddy’s bench.

“I’ll never work for that man again,” he snarled.

“Why?” his buddy asked. “What did he say?”

“You’re fired.”

These are among the approximately 200 jokes from a new book, Woodworking Jokes, compiled by the editors of WoodEzine. I’ve been laughing out loud since I got it, so thought I’d share a few more to brighten your day.

When the funeral passed by his open garage door, the woodworker turned off the table saw, took off his hat and observed a moment of silence. Then he got back to work. A passerby was duly impressed.

“That was one of the nicest things I’ve seen in a long time,” he said.

“We’ll,” said the woodworker, “we were married for 40 years.”

Sure, it was a little cool in the spray booth, but the boss still wondered why the new guy was wearing so much clothing.

“Says right here on the can,” the kid replied. “For best results, put on several light coats.”

Two Florida woodworkers ran a shop together and one day they nailed all the spare plywood to the window frames because a hurricane was coming. All that day and into the night, the storm howled. Finally, sometime in the wee small hours, the racket stopped, and the two guys felt it was safe to move. There was an eerie calm in the air.

“I can see stars,” one said. “That means we’re either in the eye, or the storm has passed.”

“Nope,” the other one says. “It means the hurricane took our roof.”

A project manager, a cabinetmaker and a finish carpenter found an old lamp on a jobsite. When one of them rubbed it, a genie appeared and granted them each one wish. The finish carpenter said he’d like to retire in Florida with an ocean view in a modern house with no trim. Whoosh, and he was gone.

The cabinetmaker said he’d like to retire in northern California surrounded by giant redwoods and a well-stocked woodshop. Whoosh, and he was gone.

And then the project manager said he’d like them both back at work immediately after lunch.

The woodworker’s first grandchild got an all heartwood cherry crib with turned spindles. The second got a carved rocking horse. The third got a rattle and a keepsake box. The fourth got a rattle.

The fifth got a Walmart gift card.

Single copies of Woodworking Jokes area available on Amazon.com. 

This article originally appeared in the September 2018 issue.

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